It has been a long damn time since I have taken to this blog......In fact, the last time I was on here it was to delete a bunch of posts. At that time I was thinking to myself, "Man, I'm tired of putting myself so out there" - and I had a lot of personal stuff in this blog.
I realize, though, that it doesn't bother me to share the personal things, as I'm not hiding anything. So come on in, and get to know the real me!
I have recently been inspired to start writing (and sharing) again.
This first piece focuses on a wave of negativity that I've been feeling lately, as I've been reflecting a lot upon my life. I, yes Nate Beck, the eternal optimist, had even begun to question my future's outlook, and I had even begun to submit to a new word in my vocabulary: HOPELESSNESS.
It seemed like for a while that no matter what good I tried to do in order to combat all the bad - whether that bad was from my own doing or from an external force - that it would always be coupled with something else that would keep me down. That's what was driving this hopelessness.
I have experienced no great event that has snapped me out of this hopeless feeling, so I cannot pinpoint the turning point, but Nate Beck is back on track, baby! Eternal optimism rules again.
But how do I do it? How can I be so optimistic when my life sucks? And people, I mean it.......
MY LIFE SUCKS!
- I am divorced, and have been for 3 years now.
- For the last 3 years, and from here on out, I have not been and will not be the full-time dad I have always wanted to be for my kids.
- When my wife left, she moved right in with another guy - they are now married.
- It wasn't too long into their relationship that my kids started calling this other guy "dad" and neither the ex nor him did anything to stop that in spite of my requests and expressions of disapproval.
- I've been, more or less, replaced.
- Bad decisions I have made have put me in this place, and have also put me in a lot of debt.
- I cannot undo these bad decisions.
- I work 2 jobs, sacrificing A LOT of sleep, so that I can survive, pay off the debts, and pay child support.
- I don't get too much respect at either job.....the boss from the part-time job is simply an ass, and the big cheeses at the full-time job dismiss me because I'm not a brown-nosing ladder-climber mastered in the art of small talk and BS.
- I have very little extra time to do things I enjoy doing, or to accomplish tasks I need to accomplish.
- I live in a house that I never really wanted in the first place; and now that house is on the market as part of the marriage settlement agreement.
- When the house sells, I will owe a good chunk of money on it and not gain anything.
- I am alone. Sometimes that is a good thing, though. But being this emotionally alone and physically deprived for this long has begun to take its toll.
- I constantly wonder if my love will ever be reciprocated. I constantly hope that it does, and that tortures me. (So even my own optimism has a way of creating negativity!)
THAT'S HOW MUCH MY LIFE SUCKS!
But for as many things that I do not have, both material and nonmaterial, I remain positive by focusing on the things that I DO have.
I also have come to accept how my life has gone down. I have accepted that my own wrongdoings have played a major role in putting me where I am. And I have accepted that external negative forces are a big part of life, and that we just have to deal with it and fight through it all.
So what do I have then? This list is very little, but it really is a lot.
- I have two daughters who love me. No matter how much I miss them when they are not with me, they make every minute I'm with them count. And these kids of mine are so amazing!
- I am loved by my family and by my close friends, and I know they will have my back.
- I am fortunate to have not just one job, but two jobs. In a tough economic time, I have two jobs that are sufficient for my financial needs, and fitting enough for my schedule.
- I have a mind that will not be broken by the negativity that comes my way. It is comforting to know within myself that I will always do what I have to do to get by in the short run, and to ultimately succeed in the long run, no matter what challenges may try to obstruct me.
With all of these things that I DO have, it makes it pretty easy to remain the eternal optimist, and to accept and love this life of mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment