Reigning Cats & Dogs

My TV was on last night as I was calculating my fantasy football league's annual fees.  I was not listening intently but I overheard a commercial that caught my attention.  It was really just one little thing, but I heard a commercial that refers to pet owners as "pet parents."  Huh?  Now I know I'm way out of the loop,
                              O  <----here's the loop    ,      x <-----here's me,
but that is the first time I have ever heard that reference......"pet parents."  This term is harmless and it's probably the cute new IN term, but it is officially under my skin. 
                                             ____________  <-----here's my skin,
                                                 pet parents     <-----here's the term.
There are 2 main reasons why this bothers me; the humanization of pets has gone too far, and it undermines the act of parenting.

The humanization of pets has gone too far.  Pets are great.  I understand what people's pets mean to them.  I understand how you can love their personalities and how they become part of the family.  Yet pets are not people, and the line should be clearly drawn.  Seeing pets dressed up disturbs me....maybe, just maybe, I will let it slide if it's super cold outside and the animal doesn't have much fur/hair.  If you are taking your dog for a walk, the dog should be walking - not pushed in a stroller or carried around in a doggie backpack.  Your pets should be bathed every once in a while, but the money that some people drop on pet grooming fees can get ridiculous.  But really, I'm not one to tell others how to live, so that's not the part that really bothers me.

The part that really bothers me about referring to pet owners as "pet parents" is that it undermines real parents of actual humans, or at least, good parents.  I'm certain that many pet owners treat their pets better than a lot of parents treat their children, but I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about the majority of parents; those of us who live and die for our kids. 

The connection between pet & owner cannot even come close to matching the connection between child & parent.  While a pet may be some sort of extension of who a person is, it is not literally a genetic part of that person.  It is not something that you created.  You may have "fallen in love" with that pet the first time it laid its eyes on you, but that can't remotely match the love a parent feels for a child before the kid is even born, let alone the instant rush of love you feel when you see the child for the first time, even when the child is covered in the nastiest nastiness ever.  You may be proud that your dog can sit and shake, but it can't compare to the pride you feel when your 5 year old reads on her own, or when your 4 year old can sing all of the lyrics to her favorite songs.  Your pet loves you and it shows you by cuddling with you, but your pet won't just randomly actually tell you "I love you."  Your pet may snip at you from time to time or make your life difficult, but your pet won't actually talk back at you and you won't see the same struggles that parents and children will face, then undoubtedly conquer.

So "pet parents" may sound cute and cool, but sorry, it's just not the same.

Earlier I wrote "pets are great," but what I really meant is that dogs are great.  Cats, on the other hand, suck.  Most dogs look awesome and each breed is very unique.  Dogs will do cool tricks some times.  You can take your dog for a walk and really hang out with it.  Dogs will be there for you as man's best friend when you need someone to talk to but don't really want anybody's advice in return.  I get dogs, but cats?

I will admit I have pretended to like pussy cats in order to get some.....girls.  But what's up with dudes that like cats?  It seems that gay guys really like pussy cats, perhaps it's because every guy needs a little......nah, I won't go there.  I don't have a problem at all with homosexuals.  In my opinion, you can put your body parts wherever you want as long as the other person (or object) is a willing participant.  But liking cats is really gay....liking cats is gayer for dudes than liking other dudes.

Cats suck.  Cats are snobby bitches who run out of the room to go hide under a bed if you're too loud.  Cats for the most part all look the same, aside from colors and weight.  Cats really when you think about it, are pretty worthless.  What do they really do?  What do they contribute? 

Cat owners always say that they love their cats, yet a lot of them just let their cats outside and don't give a shit about where the cat is.  Where's your cat?  "I don't know."  Nice.  If you ask a dog owner where their dog is, the owner will either know, or the owner will be heart-broken that you asked because the owner doesn't know where the dog is.  Well, cat owners, I know what your cats are doing because I see them all over the streets at all hours of the day and night.  They are hanging out on the street, just being worthless as usual.  Some times they are hanging out on porches that belong to people who don't like them, scaring the crap out of us when we get home.  The cat is probably on the porch because it is cold and it wants to be inside, but it knows its owner doesn't care where it is so the cat is looking for a new home.

The last cat that I saw on the street was a cat that is no longer alive.  On the morning of Christmas Eve, I was delivering newspapers when I saw a big dead cat laying on a busy street.  Way to go, cat owner.....you just ruined some little girl's Christmas because you thought your cat was so smart that it would just find its way home.  Way to go, cat....you just ruined some little girl's Christmas because you are an idiot that thought a good place for you to sit your lazy-ass down would be on a place where many cars drive.  I'm just glad I was not part of the equation that ruined that little girl's Christmas and as much as I dislike cats, I would feel so awful if I ever ran one over.....Please cats and cat owners, do not put me in that position. 

Keep your f'ing cats indoors!

A Press Conference

The 2 best things about being famous would be the likely financial reward and the ability to call press conferences.  It seems like celebrities can call a press conference for just about anything, and I am envious of this.  My favorite press conference of all time happened when former Dodgers catcher Mike Piazza held a press conference to dispell rumors that he was a homosexual.  As the press gathered around, the baseball player stated "I'm not gay.  I like women."  Sidenote: the press conference didn't really dispell any rumors.  In fact, in my opinion, his urge to come public with his heterosexuality made him even more suspect.

So anyways, if I was famous, I would like to call a press conference for something completely random.......

If I was famous....like if I was an actor on the #1 TV show in America, 'Cops and Doctors,' a show about cops and doctors.  America loves shows about cops and shows about doctors, but this show has both!  A slam dunk for successful ratings.  The further genius behind the show that would keep people glued is that the storyline for the cops and doctors never mix, so viewers keep tuning in to find out how it will all come together.  Only the final episode, we will find out that the main character cop and the main character doctor are really long lost brothers separated at birth....not just separated figuratively, but literally separated conjoined twins....but they don't look the same.  Of course, there never will be a final episode since 'Cops and Doctors' would last for eternity.

Okay, so I would play Andrew Beverly (that's supposed to be my TV name because it's my middle name & the street I grew up on.)  Andrew Beverly is neither a cop nor a doctor....he is just a really good-looking, really wealthy guy who lives in the same town where all the copness and doctorosity happens.

I would like to call a press conference.  The media gets wind of this and goes nuts.  Oh my gosh, 'Cops and Doctors' star Nate Beck has called a press conference, what's this going to be all about?  Rumors and whispers would ensue......

Maybe he is retiring from 'Cops and Doctors.'

Maybe he is adopting some poor, starving child from some far away land, like Mississippi.

Maybe he is denying rumors of homosexuality, with Mike Piazza.

Maybe he is breaking up with 'Cops and Doctors' co-star, Madison Burge (who currently plays Becky Sproles on 'Friday Night Lights.'

Maybe he is announcing his intentions to run for President of the U.S.A. (the Unappreciated Sippers of Applejuice).

What could it be?

There would be so much hype for this press conference.  All the press would be gathered together in a tiny room trying to get their best viewpoint.  Whispers would fill the room until my P.R. guy would step up to the mic......."Ladies and gentlemen of the press, Nate Beck has gathered you here today for a very special announcement.  Without further ado, Mr. Nate Beck."

I would step up to the podium, clear my throat, and begin my speech.

"Ummm, my balls itch.  Thanks for taking your time to be here today.  I will not be fielding any questions."

Then my P.R. guy would thank everyone for respecting my privacy and send the press off on its way.

The Return of Grampa Julio?

Grampa Julio is a ghost, not necessarily a good ghost but certainly not a terrifying ghost....more like a ghost with a bad bladder & who presumably was raised in a barn.

Backstory:
During my 2nd and 3rd year at East Carolina University, we lived in an apartment complex called Wilson Acres, in unit K6, a corner unit.  Our next door neighbors were the Wilson Acres maintenance guys, who I believed were paid in free rent and quite possibly sexual favors by the 40-something property manager, Dwanda. 

I guess our neighbors assumed that my roommate Matt must like to drink for whatever reason.....I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he once was locked out of our apartment, banged on our door but I was too asleep to answer (this was before cellphones, kids), broke into their unit through their kitchen window only to realize he was in the wrong place (how do you mess that up when we are the corner unit?), then broke into our unit by busting through some panels of our front window.....Matt can correct me if I'm wrong, or if I left out any vital details.

When the neighbors returned from spring break (in Mexico, I think) they had a bottle of something they didn't like.  We tasted it, it was nasty, but it was free, so we damn sure kept it.  The title of this drink was "Grappa Julia."

After we had the bottle for a bit, we started noticing some semi-ghastly occurrences.  Nothing major, though.  From out of nowhere, our toilet would flush.  Or we'd all be sitting around the living room when all of the sudden the front door would just open...not even on windy days.

We theorized that the ghost came from the "Grappa Julia" bottle, which is an Italian drink.....but since it came from Mexico, we renamed the ghost as.....Grampa Julio.

Sidenote:  I listen to an overnight radio show called "Coast to Coast" which is about a variety of topics but is notorious for paranormal topics.  An expert on ghosts was on the show a couple weeks ago, and he was talking about how there is indeed a connection between alcohol and ghosts....and in fact, that's part of the reason that we refer to whiskeys, rums, vodkas, etc. as "spirits."  Think of how much paranormal activity might go on overnight at a Wine & Spirits shop!  I was kind of pleased to hear this explanation because it actually gave some validity to our silly old ECU ghost, Grampa Julio.

Years later, it may be possible that Grampa Julio has found me again.....

On 3 separate nights over the past 2 weeks, when I have been on my way downstairs and out to do my paper route, I have noticed that the front door of my townhouse has been WIDE THE HELL OPEN.  It might just be that one of the roommates is not closing the door behind them tightly enough when they enter the house for the night, then the wind is blowing it open.....of course that's the easy answer.  But if it is Grampa Julio, then he needs to learn to shut the damn door behind him because we cannot have a wide open door so that anybody who wants can just come in and take the (nothing that I have anyway) or do whatever.

The most bizarre of these 3 occasions happened a couple nights ago....not only was the front door wide open but I also first happened to notice that my roommate Laura's door was wide open (which she never has opened at 3:30 a.m.) and her TV was on (which is also rare as far as I am aware at that time).  Of course it could just be that her door was also not quite shut the whole way, and when a gust of wind came in through the front door it also blew her door open the rest of the way.....Or it could even be that she's been sleepwalking and just opening doors (I still haven't had the chance to talk to her about it).....But what if it's something more? 

I am at least comfortable about it not being an evil spirit....if it was there would have been something else to happen by now.  But even a good spirit that was raised in a barn might let evil in, so that's the scary part.  I have told the other roommate Andrea and I will tell Laura to be absolutely sure to close the door tight as hell behind them when they enter.....and if it happens again, I will have to get a door chain latch....then if it happens again, we will know that it is indeed The Return of Grampa Julio......or perhaps one of his relatives like Cousin Pablo.

Feng Shui is Fun To Say

I just got done rearranging my room.  I've been a firm believer in practicing feng shui, even long before I knew what it was.  When I worked at Book of the Month Club, I used to see all of these Feng Shui books and I thought that there was just a really prolific Chinese author with that name, which I pronounced Feng Shooey (much like I thought Harry Potter was an author).  Then when I realized what it was, I declared myself an expert on the topic and never bothered opening up one of those books (I still don't know who the crap Harry Potter is, nor did I care to open up one of his books).

Since I was sick last week on Wednesday and into Thursday, I decided that now is a good time to try to recenter my chi or whatever.....that's what us experts refer to it as.  I'm always trying to find that balance between a room's space and its utility.  Each time I am finished - like right now - I bask in the room's new look, even if it is the same form it took 4 or 5 feng shui renditions ago, and I am just so satisfied that the room has finally reached this magical balance.

I will most likely get bored of this look and rearrange the room in a month or two, as I always do.